Government announces launch of Nationalist Service

As part of our commitment to deliver Brexit successfully, the government has today launched the UK Nationalist Service, requiring those who voted for Brexit to report for duty.

Since the EU referendum in 2016 the UK economy has experienced a significant slowdown. This has been exacerbated by personnel shortages in key areas — nurses, doctors, police officers, and teachers, as well as factory and farm workers — as EU nationals leave.

At the same time, polling found that those who had voted for Brexit, and still not changed their minds, had other strong beliefs — and one was that “they ought to bring back National Service”. This government has once again listened to its core demographic.

Prime Minister Theresa May said:

“I’ve been very clear that I’m delivering the Brexit the people want. But now we need your help to replace all the people who didn’t want it. We’re launching the Nationalist Service, so those who back Brexit can back Britain.”

Brexit volunteer forces minister Dongby Widdle-Smith, recently appointed to the role from the very-far-back-benches following a series of regrettable resignations, said:

“It’s awfully difficult all this Brexit stuff, and I don’t mind saying those damnable French poodles and dachshunds have got it in for our British bulldog! But they’re barking up the wrong tree! Our bite is worse than their bark, and what’s more we cock our right leg to their wrong tree. So, to adapt a phrase from the previous war: your country needs you! Come dogging for Britain!”

Anyone who meets two or more of the criteria below is required to register with the Nationalist Service immediately:

  • Voted Leave in the EU referendum
  • Reads the Telegraph, Daily Mail or Sun then shares articles on Facebook or via email with relatives, friends or in community groups to 'educate' them about the error of their lefty remoaner ways
  • Thinks Andrew Neil, Andrew Marr, John Humphrys and Nick Robinson are ‘the only people talking any sense on Brexit on the BBC’ and everything else is just lefty remoaner nonsense 
  • Thinks Britain should just go back to having an empire, with other countries doing as it says. Especially the ones with black people
  • Has ever been in the Bullingdon club
  • Demands foreign visitors to the UK speak English to each other, while expecting to speak English themselves when abroad
  • Has ever referred to foreigners as being piccaninnies or having watermelon smiles
  • Likely to believe news stories that will be in their papers any day now about lefties banning the word Easter on Easter eggs because of Muslims
  • Has a slightly gammony complexion when getting irate about the EU, foreigners and young people
  • Thinks being called a gammon is racist.

There are of course age limits, meaning those over 105 are exempt from service. We're not expecting candidates under 45, but they would be welcome, as they can probably set up our email and explain Snapchat. 

Registration is now available on the Nationalist Service website at nationalistservice.uk and it has been given much more funding than the petitions website.